Blogs, youtube videos, books, magazine articles.
‘Narcissist’ has replaced ‘psycho’ as the new pejorative term for anyone getting on your last nerve, especially in romantic relationships gone awry.
Richard Grannon, one of youtube’s most prolific presences in the “My Narc and How to Recognize/Fix/Get Rid of Him” genre of videos, having blathered on extensively about coping with, discarding, obsessing about, “the Narc” has now made what may be his most important observation yet, and he said it in one succinct eye-opening sentence.
Paraphrasing, “In a normal relationship you don’t look on the Internet constantly for ‘what’s wrong’ in a relationship.”
Screamingly obvious, and yet so very simple.
Genuine, healthy relationships are free exchanges of two souls, connected, committed and content.
Are there times of conflict, times when seeking an objective, trained therapist to sort out the issues is appropriate and necessary, without labelling the ‘other’ as ‘narcissistic’?
Times when you might buy a (one single, not 20) self-help book on strengthening marriage ties or attend a marriage workshop?
Well, sure. And that is the healthy approach.
But that approach assumes both parties can self-reference: stand outside themselves and see how their behavior hurts the other person and the relationship.
This is the test:
Do you feel GOOD around the other person?
Do you feel YOURSELF around the other person? Or, do you have to put on a different persona in order to cope and keep them happy?
Do you feel RELAXED? Or are you always on guard?
Do you feel EMOTIONALLY SECURE, or are you fearful the wrong phrase, the wrong look, will lead to an argument or a put-down, or even to their withdrawal as a means of punishment.
It is so simple.
And yet, so hard.
Because if you have reached the phase where you are hopeless, isolated, and trauma-bonded with your significant other, it is time to get real help, not Internet help, but professional help.
You may have C-PTSD, or (hopefully soon to be recognized in the DSM Manual) Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
Don’t continue to isolate and ruminate, hours on end, looking at internet videos and blogs and obsessing.
With the right resources, someday it all will be simple, and you will wonder why you made it so hard.